Narrative+--+Insun

First Draft:

Revision:

Final Draft:

Peer Editing Comments (Claire Yang) Put your full name and peer editor at the top of the page. 1. READ THE FULL PAPER FIRST. 2. Before anything else, tell the person verbally -- your immediate impression of what you think they did well (at least one) and something they need to work on. 3. Then answer the following questions at the bottom of their paper or on another sheet that will be hooked to the paper.

a. What is the main idea (thesis)? Write it here: The thesis of the essay is that through her friend, Kyung Jin Kim who had a liver disease, she learned the value of time and the "last".

b. Explain why the main idea is or is not clear: The main idea was clearly stated: through her friend she learned that she should live like she's dying. Although the "main" idea was clear, there was another topic that also seemed like a main idea: that, she should have encouraged her friend to achieve what she hoped for - going to New York City to study fashion.

c. Does the author focus on key events adequately? Describe the key event here: Although the focus of the key event is clear in the introduction (discussing the death of Kyung Jin), the key event or "memories" of her friend seemed unfocused: in one event she's describing her impression about Kyung Jin, then she's talking about her physical appearance that suggested her disease, and then she's talking about going to restaurant with her. To focus the main point of these memories a bit, writing one of these events and expanding it would be better. d. Are there any sections that are unnecessary (they don’t add to the story)? I think most of sections in the second paragraph was unnecessary: if someone's not talking for hours about this person's death, it is clear that they're talking about someone close. Rather than wondering whose death she's talking about, I think it's better to have the third paragraph content earlier where you reveal the person who died.

e. Do any paragraphs need clariﬁcation? The content of the paragraphs is clear, however, I think you could put more detail in some sections to make it more interesting. For example, when you said, “I smelled and touched the warmness of my café latte that I just ordered” you could have specified the kind of smell, and how the warmness felt in your hands.

f. Do the concluding paragraphs explain WHY the change or idea learned is signiﬁcant? Explain. The concluding paragraphs explain the significance of the idea learned because through her friendship with Kyung Jin to whom time was so valuable, she learned that she must not spare time, waste life away.

9.Is the introduction inviting and interesting? Suggest an alternative -- think creatively. Write out your suggestion here: The introduction worked very well. The first line captured the readers’ attention, and the unsolved question of “who died?” in the introduction kept the audience engaged and interested.

h. Is the ending thought provoking and intriguing? The ending thought of the story was neither provoking nor intriguing. It was resonating. The last line “I think again and again that I should live like I am dying” left me thinking silently for few minutes.

i. Suggest three places to improve word choice -- give a couple of suggestions either in the paper, with your initials next to the suggestions or here. “The word ‘last’ always makes me regret because that means that I have no more chance left, and that it was the ‘last’” The word “last” always leaves me dejected because that means that I have run out of chance, that it was the “last”

“Her first reputation to me was “hard to get close to” she looked scary, may be it was because of the age difference.” My first impression of her was that she was a “hard to get close to” kind of person: she looked scary, perhaps because of the age difference.

“Finally, at the end of hours of gazing at my friend and coffee, I drank a sip of my coffee…” After interminable hours alternatively gazing at my friend and coffee, I took a sip of it

j. Where is the sentence fluency good or need improvement? Sentence fluency is good in the first two paragraphs. However, the third and fifth paragraphs need some little work: they sound a bit choppy. By connecting various topics in the third paragraph in a smooth transition and varying sentence length for the fifth paragraph will greatly help sentence fluency.

k. Spend three minutes going over grammar and punctuation and either asking questions or making suggestions.

l. OTHER? You come up with one, and list it here and what you did.