Narrative+--+Christine


 * [[file:Christine.3gp]]

Revising a Narrative Essay and Adding Sentence Patterns**
 * Ideas and Content and Organization**

Corrected By: Erika Flores

1.Does the author clearly state the main idea (thesis) of the paper in the ﬁrst paragraph? YES

2.What is the main idea (thesis)? Write it here: The main idea is that if you want to achieve your goals in life you must also make the necessary changes you need to make in order to achieve those goals.

3.Explain why the main idea is or is not clear: The main idea is clear, because in the first paragraph it talks about how Christine was that shy girl, and then it breaks off to her deep inner thoughts, her thesis.

4.Do the middle paragraphs clearly tell the story (narrative) of change or idea learned? YES

5.Does the author focus on key events adequately? Describe the key event here:

-Christine goes to the grocery store with her mom and little sister -Mom goes of to get tofu and eggs, while Christine and her sister stay my the bananas -Little sister wanders off -Christine stops her, but then notices persimmons and lures her sister with them -Sister pokes persimmons and get her and Christine in trouble -Christine has a thought of "going to jail and never seeing her mother again" -With that she summons all her courage (without knowing it) and stands up for herself and her sister -No longer the timid girl! :)

6.Are there any sections that are unnecessary (they don’t add to the story)? Nope!

7.Do any paragraphs need clariﬁcation? No

8.Do the concluding paragraphs explain WHY the change or idea learned is signiﬁcant? Explain: Yes, (but you should still add a bit more reasoning ;) conclusion is saying that the idea is that Christine had to change herself from a timid girl to a more confident girl, in order to get what she wanted, which was to prevent her and her sister from "going to jail and never seeing her mom again." Without making these necessary changes in you, you won't be able to achieve your goals as easily.

9.Is the lead inviting and interesting? Suggest an alternative from the Lead and Ending handout. Write out your suggestion here:

It is interesting, but some alternate suggestions could be:

Being the shy, fearful young girl I was, I could never do anything to help myself but cry whenever I faced something as frightening as speaking in front of a crowd.

10. Is the ending thought provoking and intriguing? Suggest an alternative from the Lead and Ending handout. Write out your suggestion here:

With just a poke of a persimmon, I have gained so much from it. I can now say I was once a shy, fearful girl and have become a very confident, bold girl.


 * Word Choice:**

1.In the narrative section of the paper, ﬁnd repeated nouns, verbs, adjectives, and adverbs. Substitute a more speciﬁc / stronger word.

confident (good word but it's just repeated a lot;) self

2.In the narrative section, do you have sensory describing words (taste, touch, smell, sight, hearing)? Write them here: (If not, add at least ﬁve.)

ripe (taste)

3.Add one simile or metaphor to better describe a signiﬁcant detail. Write it here:

as quiet as a mouse.


 * Sentence Fluency:**

Sentence Patterns #1-4: You need to include TWO of the following sentence patterns in your revised paper.

PATTERN 1: COMPOUND SENTENCE: SEMICOLON, NO CONJUNCTION (two short, related sentences now joined) S V ; S V.

PATTERN 2: COMPOUND SENTENCE WITH ELLIPTICAL CONSTRUCTION (comma indicates the omitted verb) S V DO or SC ; S, DO or SC.

PATTERN 3: COMPOUND SENTENCE WITH EXPLANATORY STATEMENT (clauses separated by a colon) General statement (idea) : specific statement (example). (an independent clause) (an independent clause)

PATTERN 4: A SERIES WITHOUT A CONJUNCTION (a series in any place in the sentence) A,B,C.

PATTERN 4a: A SERIES WITH A VARIATION A or B or C. (in any place in the sentence) A and B and C. (in any place in the sentence)


 * Additional Checklist:**

Does your narrative essay included the following? _ __a narrative tells a story__ _ a narrative has a point (aka - a thesis) _ __a narrative focuses on key moments and quickly deals with necessary, but uninteresting information__ _ a narrative uses a consistent POV (1st or 3rd) _ __a narrative is rich in detail (that is, important/signiﬁcant/interesting detail)__ _ a narrative includes an interesting/creative introduction _ __a narrative includes a conclusion that leaves the reader thinking__ _ a narrative essay includes several paragraphs that reﬂect on WHY the event described is important ! How did you change? What did you learn? WHY is it signiﬁcant?