Narrative+--+Claire


 * Narrative Essay Draft 1**


 * Narrative Essay Draft 2 (Editing Exercise)**


 * Narrative Essay Draft 3 (Revised draft after the editing exercise)**


 * Narrative Essay Draft 4 (Final draft after peer editing)**

Put your full name and peer editor at the top of the page. 2. Before anything else, tell the person verbally -- your immediate impression of what you think they did well (at least one) and something they need to work on.
 * Peer Editing (By In-sun Choi)**

a. .What is the main idea (thesis)? Write it here: That there is a person who cared for her and her happiness afterall.

b. Explain why the main idea is or is not clear: The main idea in her personal narrative essay is not very clear. It is clear but if she adds what happened to her that might help the readers to understand her feeling and what it is that she feels upset about and how Mr. Spivey cured it.

c. Does the author focus on key events adequately? Describe the key event here: The key event is when she talked and spilled out her feeling inside to Mr. Spivey and that cured her. It is very descriptive and easy to understand what situation she was in during that even because she expresses the situation so well.

d. Are there any sections that are unnecessary (they don’t add to the story)? NONE! Everything helps the readers to understand better about her story.

e. Do any paragraphs need clariﬁcation? In the first sentence of the whole story. It needs a grammer fix because I had to read 2 times to understand what she was saying.

f. Do the concluding paragraphs explain WHY the change or idea learned is signiﬁcant? Explain: Yes. She states how Mr. Spivey was different in helping her than her parents. Also She explains the main idea in her conclusion.

g. Is the introduction inviting and interesting? Suggest an alternative -- think creatively. Write out your suggestion here: I think it is very creative because it catches my attention somehow. It is very interesting and creative to use the story of the boy who lost his father went insane because it kind of gives a hint about what she is going to say but still gives curiousity to the reader.

h. Is the ending thought provoking and intriguing? The ending thought is provoking and intriguing because it tells what she learned through her experience and what she had realized and how this event was so valuable and important to her.

i. Suggest three places to improve word choice -- give a couple of suggestions either in the paper, with your initials next to the suggestions or here. "I was sad, my life was sad" she can use a different word for sad. Only one because she has descriptive words that clearly explains the situation.

j. Where is the sentence fluency good or need improvement? The first sentence and some sentences in the first paragraph is hard to understand.

k. Spend three minutes going over grammar and punctuation and either asking questions or making suggestions. The first sentence has to be fixed because it is hard to understand when you read it once.

l. OTHER? You come up with one, and list it here and what you did. Overall, her essay is very interesting and unique. Her idea and word choices are very strong. But she can add more information that will clearly help the readers understand what she used to feel so that the change after the event will show a big change in her life.