Becoming+Shakespeare+Essay+Revision-JK

-Revised by Claire Yang

Revising (not editing) using the 6-traits:

What did the author do well overall? The author did a good job of being specific with the examples supporting her statements statements (for example giving examples of work that were famous during that time). I also like how she used a strong voice to justify Shakespeare’s sentiments/thoughts.

What could the author improve overall? The body paragraphs can be more unified; instead of writing separate paragraphs for each topic (time periods, themes, etc) she can combine her topics (theme, works, language) by time period. Also the facts could have been presented in a way that was more personal to Shakespeare.

Ideas and Content: 1. Does the author clearly state the main idea of the paper in the first paragraph? What is the main idea? The main idea is broad, but is clearly stated in the first paragraph. The main idea is that Shakespeare was a “popular” and noteworthy writer during the era as an individual and also when compared with other writers of the time.

2. Do the middle paragraphs develop / gives examples to support the topic / main ideas? Does each supporting paragraph develop one idea or example? Do any paragraphs need clarification or expansion? Some body paragraphs develop/give examples to support the main ideas; some like the paragraph about the time periods doesn’t support the main idea. Yes, each supporting paragraph developed one clear idea. Paragraphs about the themes, characters, and language (included in one paragraph) and time periods need more clarification; more specific examples about how these factors were excellent traits of Shakespeare are needed.

3. Does the ending bring the paper to a satisfactory close? Explain how the ending works or does not work: The ending of the paper was satisfactory, but the later sentences of the conclusion can be more direct to the thesis (main idea).

Organization:

1. Are there any parts of the paper that should be reordered? Explain: It could have been ordered like the following: “Others” paragraph “Periods” paragraph “Works” paragraph

2. Do the transitions in the paper work? Is there an over use of “and, so, but, then, or”? The repeating of same transitions didn’t make it work; “first, second, and third” were over used.

Sentence Fluency:

1. Are there rambling and/or confusing sentences? Fix two and put a star next to the two you improved. The sentences were fairly straightforward and clear.

2. Does the author use a variety of sentence lengths? Attempt to combine some sentences using a semi-colon or a comma and coordinating conjunction. The author uses variety of sentence lengths.

Citing Sources:

1. Highlight all the in-text citations No in-text citations!

2. Does the author use in-text citations for any information that is not common knowledge or is a direct quotation? For some the author used in-text citations.

Are there any sentences or sections that don’t sound like the author’s work? Fix these or cite these as necessary. There were some sentences/sections that didn’t sound like the author’s work (I think she just forgot to put in-text citations).

Does the author have a works cited list in MLA format? Check the wiki for links to MLA citation information. She needs a works cited list in MLA format. The author doesn’t have a work cited list in MLA format yet.