Revision+Sheet+-+Christine+to+Erika

=Revising a Narrative Essay and Adding Sentence Patterns=

Ideas and Content Organization

Does the author clearly state the main idea (thesis) of the paper in the first paragraph? Yes.

What is the main idea (thesis)? Write it here: Don’t give up and finish what you started, but never on anything that’s hurting you.

Explain why the main idea is or is not clear. The main idea is the last sentence of the paragraph, and the paragraph states that the main idea is the lesson the writer learned from swimming.

Do the middle paragraphs clearly tell the story (narrative) of change or idea learned? Yes, I could tell what was going on to Erika at all times. However, I think the essay would have been stronger if you added the part where you actually quit.

Does the author focus on key events adequately? Describe key event here. Yes, she puts enough emphasis on important events, such as when she is getting exhausted from swimming. (Key Events: 1. Erika signs up for swim class 2. Erika is exhausted from swimming nonstop 3. Erika and her friend Candice listen to Erika’s father’s story about football 4. Erika imagines herself quitting later at night) Are there any sections that are unnecessary? No, I felt that all parts were necessary, and they made important contributions to the essay. Do any paragraphs need clarification? The last paragraph of her story needs a bit of clarification. I think Erika should clarify whether she quit or not, because I couldn’t really tell by just reading the essay. Do the concluding paragraphs explain WHY the change or idea learned is significant? Explain: It does to same extent by describing how she would have been in physical and metal pain if she had not learned the lesson “you should not give up on anything except something that is hurting you.” However, I think she should include more information on how that lesson impacted other aspects of her life other than pain.

Is the lead inviting and interesting? Yes, she tells a little bit of her story to grab the attention of the reader.

Is the ending thought provoking and intriguing? No, it merely states that she has made the right choice. I think she should add a sentence that is more deep or maybe even humorous.

i. Suggest three places to improve word choice -- give a couple of suggestions either in the paper, with your initials next to the suggestions or here. 1. The verb quit is often repeated. You should replace it with verbs such as abandon. 2. Same goes for give up. 3. The word never is also used very often. You should replace it with numerous phrases such as will not. j. Where is the sentence fluency good or need improvement? I think the sentence fluency is good where Erica describes how she was exhausted from swimming. k. Spend three minutes going over grammar and punctuation and either asking questions or making suggestions. Punctuation is pretty good. She put a lot of effort into using the Art of Styling Sentences. l. OTHER? You come up with one, and list it here and what you did. Suggest improvements to the sentence which used the Art of Styling Sentences. Or maybe it was just that they had something that I lacked, which was pace; pace in their breathing and pace in their stroking, exerting equal amounts of energy with each swim technique. -I think the semicolon here should be replaced with a colon.

Then. . . Peer Editors. . . take these suggestions and revise your paper one more time to make the best narrative essay you possibly can.